I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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