Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
