sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
