I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
