I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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