i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
