Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
