We won't sleep together?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She needs sedatives and a leash
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
