so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
