there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
