Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He felt like a one man threesome
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
