my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
