Its about making memories worth repressing
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
