So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
