an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
