took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
