I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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