Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
