I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
