I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
