i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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