My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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