normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Congratulations! We have a period
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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