you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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