Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
