Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
