Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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