Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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