I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
