ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
