Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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