one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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