shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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