Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
