i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
