Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
