wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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