I'm gonna have a badass scar
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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