I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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