I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
