Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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