you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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