I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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