It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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