our cab driver is having phone sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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