Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
