Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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