I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
