don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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