Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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