You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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