So drunk its hurt
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
