I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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