She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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