It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
